I'm Kim and I'm sexually obsessed with my best friend Sugar.
Sugar gave me crabs during a platonic night of frustration..
Crabs which I then gave my mother when she borrowed my jeans,
which exposed her affair and destroyed my parents' marriage.
They're crabs, Stella.
I've been seeing... sleeping with someone else
All in a day's work for a 15-year-old sexually-frustrated gay virgin.
"Je suis au milieu d'une situation impossible"
I don't want you in my house.
Oh, so now it comes down to who pays the mortgage.
You had an affair. Where am I gonna go?
I don't care. You are a spineless reptile, Nathan.
And you are a stupid whore. For fuck's sake, shut up!
Kim... there's no need to shout. There's really no need to swear.
Being stuck between my parents was nothing new.
This situation was unbearable.
What's for tea? He says he wants you gone by five.
Now, wait a minute.
She says you won't be able to manage without her.
Oh, yeah, because there'd be nobody to, ooh, let me see,
fill up the ashtrays and drink champagne.
He says you made a mockery of the marriage
and he'll never be able to see you in the same light again.
Fine. Oh, Kimmy.
So you won't change your mind? Do you think that I should?
Taking sides is easy. Being stuck in the middle is hell.
What am I gonna do?
I've been married for 15 years.
I've never lived with another man.
It's not like you haven't slept with Dale.
That is completely different.
I mean, he only sees me once a week.
I'm not a real person. I'm... object of desire.
All that's gonna change now.
You can say that again.
Bye, dear. Have fun.
Did you tell her I want the rest of her things gone by Friday?
I was so busy telling everyone what everyone else thought,
I forgot to tell them all to sod off.
And just when I thought I'd escaped it all,
Sugar landed me right back in the middle again.
What do you reckon? Found him last night. Gorgeous, isn't he?
He's not like other blokes around here. I've never met anyone like him.
Fuckin' cute little star.
Language student.
Guillaume. a language student who couldn't speak English.
And, of course, Sugar couldn't speak a word of French.
It's not like they needed a lot of words
but occasionally the odd one was useful.
Have you got a condom? Oh, tu es une femme fantastique.
Guillaume, have you got a condom?
Putain, je suis en forme et je peux te dire que tu vas aimer ça.
No condom, no entry.
That's why they needed me.
I was their French-speaking gooseberry interpreter.
What did he say?
I had a really nice time last night.
What are you doing later? I thought you were coming out with me.
Maybe we can get to know each other better.
And how are you going to do that? We speak the language of love.
Oh, please.
He's such a gentleman.
So...
Now I know why we always met in hotels. Yeah, because it's dirty and sleazy.
No, because your place is such a mess.
You're not going to be nightmare, are you?
No.
Good, cos if you play your cards right, I think you'll find I'm very pleased to see you.
Kizza, what's French for balls? Les balles.
You know, I'm really worried about Stella. What's French for hole?
Trou. Nathan was so determined to make her go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I haven't seen him like that in ages.
Kim.
Kim, what's wrong?
I don't know. Let's just say I've had enough of translating Anglo-French relations.
What? You two.
Oh, yeah, I know. Cute, ain't he?
Oh, never mind, mon chéri.
Kim? Kim?
Nobody is listening to me.
Well, ok, look, I'm sorry, babe, but it's just... I've been so into him.
My mum left home this morning. Did she? Good.
What? I thought that's what you wanted.
I've got to go.
Kim. Kim, is it something I said?
Who's going to translate for me?
Translate this.
Sometimes love throws up unexpected pleasures.
But mostly it deals you a pile of shit.
Next time you see your mother, I want you to tell her that we had her favourite dessert.
We had her favourite dessert. What's the point in that if she's not there?
What's the point in that if she isn't here? Life goes on, Kim.
Yeah but... Just eat your lemon meringue pie.
There's definitely a problem with this table.
When's Stella coming back?
Don't know. Will it be long?
We want everything to be just right, don't we?
It's always been like that. It's no good.
It's still no reason not to fix the ruddy thing!
Get us a drink, would you, Kim?
Definitely a problem with this table.
That was the worst thing about being stuck in between.
Couldn't seem to make anyone happy.
Least of all myself.
Kimmy,
it's me.
Yeah, I know. Um, what's the French for cunnilingus?
I have no idea.
Was that her?
Was that Stella?
No.
Go back to sleep.
That was it. The situation sucked. And it was about time someone took control.
Hi.
Hey. Tell him, "Dans le cul."
That'll get you what you want.
Dans le cul.
Things were about to change.
It was the first day of the rest of my life.
I was no longer going to be shat on.
Things were going to return to normal.
I was in control.
What is going on? We're having a bonfire.
Have you completely lost the plot?
It's possible, I suppose.
Matt, go and get your coat. We're going out.
Are you like Mum now?
Well, it seems that way, doesn't it?
Can I have a fiver? Out the house.
Come on.
Are you going to sort yourself out?
I don't know. Nathan.
There's no point any more. What about me and Matt?
I'm sick of being the sensible one...
Oh, that's bloody great, isn't it? You sit here like a wreck and leave me to rule the house.
It's not like I've got school or anything.
What do I do?
I don't know.
Just clean this lot up.
Hope you won't burn the place down. I don't have insurance.
Where are you going? Buckingham Palace.
It's our first day together. I thought we could do something.
Er... I've got to get going. I'll see you later. But I made you...
I think I must have said something wrong last night. I didn't quite get what I expected.
Bloody good, though.
Really? Yeah.
My one pleasure was shafting Sugar and I couIdn't get that one right.
I really like this guy. He's different.
My world was falling apart and I was totally powerless to put it right.
Oh, he's so cute. What did he say?
Or maybe there was another way.
He says sorry but he's got to go and meet his friends on the other side of town.
What? No, well... um, tell him to stay.
So he'll stay, yeah?
Oh, he can't, cos he arranged to meet them earlier and he doesn't have their number.
He didn't say anything.
Guillaume?
Guillaume, don't go.
What the fuck's that all about?
This was it. I'd finaIIy found a way to turn things to my advantage.
Maybe I didn't pay him enough attention.
Yeah, right. You were all over him.
Well, did he say he'd call? No.
Look, just forget him, Shoogs.
He said he wanted to slap your arse. Matthew!
What else did he say? Nothing.
Kim said you needed some time alone.
Why did you do that? Cos he was getting on my nerves.
I really liked him. He was an arrogant French tosser.
No, he wasn't. He was a proper man.
Fuck me, Nath, it's the middle of the day.
He's just tired.
Yeah, half a bottle of vodka can have that effect.
Didn't know he was this mashed. I did try to tell you.
I'm sorry.
Whoa!
Guillaume... I really liked him, you know.
Why? He was just a shag.
It wasn't like that.
You can't be in love with him. You don't even speak the same language.
Sugar.... He really cared about me.
He cared whether I came or not.
He is the first person ever to give me an orgasm.
He was a creepy French wanker.
Yes, Kim, but he made me come.
For a minute there, I thought you were being serious.
I am being serious. Bloody hell, these things are important.
Yeah, I'm sorry. Ok?
I'll forgive you if you do one thing for me.
Find him and get me one more night with him.
Please. Ok.
I love you, Kimmy. I love you.
Don't bank on it, mate.
If only the world was as simple as a man's pride.
Having successfully sorted out Sugar, it was now time to sort out SteIIa.
Yes, who is it?
Hello. It's me.
Who?
Your daughter.
Oh! Thank God you're here. I've been going out of my mind.
I knew you would be.
What am I going to do? Just come home.
What? You're miserable here, aren't you?
What are you talking about? It's this meat loaf.
I followed the recipe and everything but look at it.
Do you think I can cut the top off?
Dale's going to be home soon.
I think I'd entered a quantum universe where everything was just a little bit wrong.
You should have seen this place yesterday. It took me five hours to clean.
You did that? Mm-hm.
At least here I can be helpful.
At home, I was nothing but an old lush.
Bon appétit!
I'm not coming back, Kim. Nathan made the right decision in throwing me out.
I was a terrible mother. A nightmare to live with.
You're all better off without me.
No, we're not.
I was no good for you, for any of you. You don't understand.
It'll all be all right. You'll see.
These things have a habit of working themselves out.
Er... I'm sorry that things have been a bit strange the past few days.
I'll make it up to you.
We could go ice skating.
That is a really good idea.
See? We'll get back to normal.
And then who knows? Maybe your mother will...
Well...
Erm... I know I shouldn't ask but er... how did your mother seem?
I think I can be happy here, Kim.
She's miserable, Dad.
Really? Yeah.
She'll be home soon.
The thing about being in the middle
is that you have the power to make everybody feel good.
I don't want him to go. Last night was the best night ever.
Farewell, my little angel.
He can't wait for you to meet his family.
And life sucks so often, you'd better get the good times while you can.
What did he say? What did he say?
Bye.
I love you.
Yes, you can make everybody happy.
Even yourself.
Guillaume also said...
What?
That he'd really like to see two women kissing.
Oh! He's so dirty. I love him.
Corrections Chamallow35